Meltingclocktimes.com

MCT Offers $500 To Anyone Who Invents A Device That Destroys Answering Machines

Here is the situation: You call someone and a recorded answering machine voice says, “You have reached 555-1234 ....” I just dialed the fucking number so why do all you people have to let me know it again? Then the voice continues.... “I can't come to the phone now ....” Why can't you come to the phone? Are you in the middle of taking a crap? It is fucking obvious you can't come to the phone, otherwise you would have come to the phone—so why do you need to say that? Or some messages will say, “I am not available now....” Aren't you important. You're not available because you're probably doing something more important like fucking a goat out in your shed. “Please leave a message at the beep.” Thanks for those instructions. I never knew what that beep was for. Momma mia! Then you leave a message after hearing that tedious message that bored you to tears and the assholes don't call you back anyway.

Then there are the corporate answering machines ...... continue reading about this beep .....

Aliens Give Up On Plot To Take Over Earth Because, "Earthlings All Look Alike"

-It would be "too confusing" for the aliens

Imagine our shock when the creature pictured on the right walked into our offices here at MCT. As you can see he has three noses and ears, four eyes and two mouths. His skin color is green, purple and red striped with green polka dots. He told us that he is the highest ranking General in the Zeedbout Army from the planet Zeedbout stationed on Earth. Normally we would have thought he was a nut, but his four eyes, two butts and third arm coming out his back (not pictured) convinced us to take him seriously.

The following is a transcript of the vitally important news that the General conveyed to us:

“Greetings Earthling readers at Meltingclocktimes.com.  I have come to give you a message, as I am now touring all the major media outlets on the Earth to get the message out. From here I will be flying to the East coast of your continent to relay this same message to editors at the New York Times and the Washington Post.

“The message is this: ..... Continue reading about how we escaped getting conquered by the planet Zeedbout .....

Osama Bin Laden Signs Multi Million Dollar Endorsement Deal With Nike

Meltingclocktimes.com has learned that the Nike shoe company is starting a new advertising campaign with Osama Bin Laden. Through our secret sources we were able to see the new TV shot with Bin Laden. Bin Laden is crouched on a rock and says in broken English, “Hello infidels in America. We don't agree on much do we? But I think we can agree on one thing—Nike makes great shoes. With them my deputies and I have been outrunning the greatest army in the world for seven and a half years. I think Allah and Nike both deserve credit. Nike Shoes have given me great traction in mountain terrain and on slippery rocks. You guys may be the infidel—but you sure make good shoes!” Then you see Bin Laden hold his thumb up and say, “Praise Allah and Nike—just do it!”

According to Nike CEO Philly Knight, “This does not mean we endorse Bin Laden. And to be honest I wish he didn't have our shoes that enabled him to avoid capture. But since he does wear Nike shoes, and he did out run the US Army Rangers for seven and half years, it does make us feel pretty good about the quality of our products.”

Some analysts, such as Dr. Hugoritz Takokaballer of the Veldstrum Think Tank think,”This shows that Bin Laden is desperate for attention. He needs a new act because .... Continue reading about this .....

The Forgotten Civilization of Pacificus THAT GOT DESTROYED BY Buying Useless Crap

Famed archaeologist Alberto Ziieegerstien tells about his discovery of the ruins of Pacificus and how it relates to the present economic crisis

It was 1958. I was a young archaeologist looking to make my mark. So I set sail for the island of Pacificus from Hawaii. Growing up in the depression I heard tales about this isolated island as the most advanced in the world. But no one heard anything about Pacificus for years. I landed my sail boat and walked from the empty harbor to the nearby city center and saw not a soul. I was in a park in a big city. Sky scrapers surrounded me. It looked like New York, but not one person was in sight. I walked and walked in the streets. Abandoned cars, that looked like big flimsy plastic toys, sat in the streets. I saw furniture and cob webs in the buildings' windows but no trace of anyone.

 I walked around a corner and an old man was sitting on a bus stop bench. The old man was more amazed to see me than I was to see him.

"Where are you from and who are you?" he asked me.

I told him I just sailed from Hawaii and asked him what happened, "Was there a plague? Some bacteria that only killed people, but spared everything else?"

He told me the following story: ....  Continue reading this fascinating archaeological history ......