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Aerosol Pork: The Ultimate Weapon Against Islamic Terrorists
The late musical genius Frank Zappa, in his 1989 autobiography, was the first known person to write about using aerosol pork against terrorists. Islamic martyrs cannot enter into heaven if they stink like a pig. So military policy makers are debating employing pork grenades, anti-terrorist pork aerosol gas and pork bombs in the fight against Islamic zealots. Military officials are theorizing that if Islamic terrorists think they might get pork on themselves in a suicide bombing mission or in combat they won't even attempt anything.

“If you look at the surface of it,” says pentagon spokesman Col. Elbert Tunkamin, “it looks ridiculous. But you must fight fire with fire. Flying a plane into a skyscraper, blowing yourself up to kill others and the religious beliefs that make you do that stuff are very ridiculous. So why not fight that ridiculousness with more ridiculousness?”

According to Col. Tunkamin military researchers are working on many kinds of pork based bombs. The Israeli army had plans to put a sprinkler type system in the country's buses. It would work like a fire sprinkler system found in many buildings. Instead of water spraying out in a fire or an explosion pork would shoot out. A spokesman for Star of David Munitions, an Israeli weapons manufacturer said, “The only reason reason why the terrorist deterrent was not installed in Israeli buses is because of Jewish religious zealots who also have an aversion to pork.”

Airlines across the world are looking into using the pork gas sprinkler system in airplanes as an added security to locked cockpits. Security experts are also advising airlines to serve pig meats for meals. That way in case any terrorists still get through, passengers stand a chance of subduing them with the ham and pork chops.”

Many travelers are soothing their nerves knowing they can carry an anti terrorist weapon on board planes and have no problems getting through security. Jeb Rustbacker who flies frequently selling motorcycle parts says, “I always carry a cold pork chop in my brief case. If any Islamic nut tries anything on a flight I'm on I'll cram my pork chop right in his religious fanatic fucking face!”

Not everyone is happy with the newly discovered potential weapon. Habib Muhammad, a spokesman for The American Islamic League said, “We oppose these terrible weapons. If enemy combatants kill Islamic US soldiers who handle pork munitions they also will not get into heaven—even after serving their country.”

Kosher Jewish groups are also against the weapons and so is the Bush administration. A White House source told the Meltingclocktimes.com that former US anti-terrorist chief Richard Clark, and now Bush critic, advocated the use of aerosol pork. That is why the Bush administration wants Clark's formerly secret congressional testimony to be made public. The Bush administration thinks it will make Clarke look like a nut. For the same reason Clarke welcomes the declassification of anything he said because he believes pork weapons to be a good idea that the Bush administration is neglecting.