Back from a break with breaking news! Sept.
4, 2004!
Chickens & Other Birds Attacking Cell Phone
Users!
 |
| Warning cell phone users! Birds are on attack! |
Bud Clampet is an Indiana farmer. Every once in a while Bud jumps
in his pick up and visits Chester McFoulden who lives a half mile down
the road. Last Thursday Bud got out of his truck and walked up to Chester
who was sitting on his porch.
“How ya doing there ol' Buddy Boy?”
“Oh, pretty good, pretty good.”
“How is your corn crop going? Your corn looks like shit compared
to my corn.”
“My corn is growing great. I think you got turned around and you
were looking at your shitty corn.”
The two neighbors laughed as they went on with a typical conversation
like many over the last 30 years. But last Thursday something was different.
Bud Clampet had his new cell phone in his pocket and it rang. He stopped
talking with Chester and began talking into the phone.
“Yes, Yes.... I think that might be OK.....”
Chester sat looking slightly out of place as his visitor went on in
his own world, “Well, I think that might be a good way to do it....
Certainly...... I think I can agree to that...... Sure..... But, if
ya got to rectify the thing....”
Chester thought about going inside and messing on the computer or getting
something to eat, but hoped his friend would get off the phone. Instead
the conversation went on.
Then a flock of chickens came out of nowhere, swarmed upon the cell
phone talker driving their beaks into his flesh. One chicken
jumped up on Bud's neck and furiously pecked away. Another leaped up
on his chest and drove his pecker in. Two other hens pecked at the phone
and Bud's hands as he fell to the ground. Chester grabbed a broom and
shooed the birds away. Chester McFoulden drove off the chickens, but
the 50 chickens had already pecked Bud Clampet to death.
This is a scene that is being repeated all over the world. Birds are
attacking cell phone talkers. Across the country in Springfield, Oregon
a group of neighbors were having a bar-b-que. Amid the bar-b-qued salmon
and the pleasant conversation one of the quests' cell phone rang. As
he subjected the folks at the picnic table to his conversation a flock
of blue jays swarmed out the trees and pecked the cell phone conversationalist
to death.
In New York City, several blocks west of Central Park, Elbert Tungostien
ran into his cousin Jelbert Tungostien. “How are you doing Jelbert?”
“Fine, Fine. How are you doing? How are the kids? How's the old
lady? How's business?”
The conversation went on for a few minutes and a buzzing tune from Jelbert's
cell phone emanated from his coat pocket. “Hello,” answered
Jelbert immediately cutting off his cousin. Jelbert went on, “Yeah....
Yeah!... Sure.... He said what? ... That's crazy.... Uh huh.... I agree...”
Elbert stood there looking dumb and feeling out of place. He was getting
the urge to walk away from his cousin when suddenly a flock of robins
came out of nowhere and descended on Jelbert Tungostien. Several robins
drove their beaks into Jelbert's eyes and ears. Blood spurted out of
his head as he fell to the ground. Elbert frantically shooed the robins
away with his brief case. Two hours later in a Manhattan hospital doctors
pronounced Jelbert Tungostien dead.
Across America, Asia and Europe birds are attacking cell phone users.
It is Alfred Hitchcock's, “The Birds” come to life. Animal
behavior experts and ornithologists are at a loss explaining this violent
bird behavior that is wrecking havoc all over the world. Officials do
say that all of the bird attacks on cell phone users involved situations
where conversations were interrupted. “So far there are no reported
bird attacks on cell phone talkers who converse in private,” says
Nathan Needlebock, a FBI agent who is heading an investigation into
the bird-cell phone crisis.
The FBI is investigating if terrorists have trained or genetically engineered
the birds. But Arab and Pakistani news sources are reporting that chickens
and pigeons are also attacking pious Muslim cell phone users.
Dr. Febom Freddickstern, an ornithologist at the University of Washington
in Seattle, where there have been 6 fatal bird attacks, has an interesting
theory. According to Dr. Freddickstern, “Birds who communicate
with beautiful songs are very irritated with human speech. As humans
have encroached upon bird habitats we have increasingly subjected birds
to unpleasant human voices. When you combine that with the cell phone
radio waves, which also adversely affect birds, it irritates birds further.
But the thing that really drives the birds insane is to see one person
yapping into a cell phone while the another person stands around looking
stupid. It makes birds berserk!”
Ansold Eatocks, a spokesman for the cell phone manufacturer Nokia said,
“The bird attacks have nothing to do with cell phones. It all
could be a propaganda ploy by line telephone companies in a feeble attempt
to get back business.”
Government officials are issuing stern warnings to cell phone users.
They are warning conversationalists to turn off their cell phones and
to not interrupt a non phone conversation to answer your cell phone
under any circumstance.
