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Shocking News Friday, June 4, 2004!
Parents Using Butt Plugs On Babies To Keep From Having To Change Diapers

What does this picture have to do with this article?

Meltingclocktimes.com will not publish distressed baby pictures with butt plugs. We do not publish that kind of pornography. We considered a happy baby picture with the caption, “This baby is content because his parents do not use butt plugs.” But baby pictures are abominable—who wants to see one? So, here is another picture of a babe we'd rather see: Angel, Clockmelter of the Month. Check back in week or so for a new Clockmelter!

A new product, butt plugs for babies, is generating a storm of controversy across the nation. The butt plugs are designed to keep a baby's waste matter stored internally. Every one or two days the parents pull the plug out over a toilet and reinsert the plug. Using the butt plugs frees parents from having to change diapers several times a day. Doctors are warning that the butt plugs can cause damage and severe pain to babies.

A parent who uses the butt plugs and wished to remain anonymous said, “Sure having the fecal matter backed up into the colon and stomach causes the babies some pain and makes them cry. But babies cry anyway. You can put them in a far off room where you don't have to hear it. And that is certainly better than having to change diapers all the time.”

Butt plug advocates say the plugs are good for the environment because you don't have to use hardly any diapers. “This is just the thing for the modern busy career woman. You can spend more time on your job and climbing the corporate ladder and be less burdened with motherhood,” says a new career mother who wished to remain anonymous.

Alberto McFrogo, a spokesman for the Acme Buttplug Company says, “Butt plugs are an idea whose time has come. Many career women are young and cannot afford the exorbitant prices for child care. Butt plugs enable busy parents to leave their babies unattended for long periods without the worry of big messes and diaper rash.”

Children's rights advocates are outraged. “Butt plugs are the ultimate selfish yuppie parent's tool. We are lobbying congress to make them illegal,” says Ted Hulihan, spokesman for the Children Support Network.

Butt plug advocates counter with, “Butt plug using parents selfish? What about the babies? Always wanting milk, crying at all hours of the day and night, shitting and peeing all the time--you have to do everything for them,” says one distraught parent.

Another parent who wished to remain anonymous said, “These butt plugs are great and just the thing for my baby who craps all the god damned time. These people who want to outlaw butt plugs have no business meddling with how people choose to raise their children. The government has no right to interfere in people's private lives this way. I even want to get some butt plugs for myself. If I eat something bad away from home I would much rather stick a plug up my butt than have to use a disgusting public toilet.”

Butt plugs for babies are a welcome trend for the butt plug industry, who until now has had to rely on a steady but limited homosexual market. McFrogo added that, “Although our company is happy to serve the needs of gay fetishists, it is rewarding to also make a product that is helpful and useful for busy parents raising their children.”

Don't expect the controversy to end soon—this may only be the beginning. The Acme Buttplug company, one of the leading butt plug marketers, will soon be coming out with another controversial product: An anti urine vacuum lock.