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Breaking News! Wednesday, February, 14, 2007!
Dick Cheney In Deep Depression Over Republican Defeat And Buddy Rumsfeld's Ouster Gets Outrageous Makeover

VP Cheney has taken on a new look.

And Exhibits Outlandish Behavior
-A disgruntled vice presidential staffer exposes the bizarre interworkings of the vice president's office.
Chesterfield Karrumbas has worked as a maintenance man in the vice presidential residence through several administrations. “I have always just done my job and kept things I have seen in the vice president's residence and office to myself. But Cheney has flipped now and I cannot keep quiet. I don't even care if I lose my job,” said Karrumbus.

“Just last week,” continued Karrumbas, “I entered the vice president's office to empty the waste paper basket. The vice president was wearing a woman's dress, a bee hive hair-do wig and make-up. He was on the phone and saying, 'Oh Rumsey, Rumsey, Rumsey! How I miss you. It is so wonderful to hear your voice. Yes, I will call you tomorrow. I will call everyday. You are still my secretary. I don't care who is defense secretary now. You are always the defense secretary in my heart.'

“I looked at the vice president and said, 'Should I come back later?'

“He raised his hand up and said, 'No, no. Stay here.' Then he said on the phone, 'Rumsey, Rumsey. Our wonderful staff is here and they love you too. Come here,' said Cheney to me and he handed me the phone. 'Tell Rumsey that he is a fantastic and handsome secretary of defence and that you love him.'

“'Hello Mr. Secretary,' I said. 'I respect the work you did as secretary.'

“'Thank you very much,' said Rumsfeld, 'and I am sure history will judge me with the good sense that you do. I want to you to continue to serve our vice president to carry on with our principles and ideals. Also, I want you to convey to the vice president that he is the most handsome bald public personality since Yul Brynner. Ok?'

“'Yes sir,' I said and gave the phone back to Cheney.

“Cheney spoke in the phone, 'Ok, good-bye for now Rumsey baby. I love you my beautiful, eternal secretary of defense. I will call you tomorrow, or maybe tonight as I long to hear your voice. What are you doing tonight? ... Sounds like great fun. I wish I could join you but these Secret Service brutes make going bowling so much trouble. Good bye my love, my beautiful defense secretary,' said the vice president as he hung up the phone.

“The vice president looked at me and said, 'Isn't Secretary Rumsey just vunderbar? So firm, so authoritarian, oh! And you know, I think he looks good in those glasses, don't you?'

“'Yes,' I said.

“'He was perhaps the most handsome secretary of defense we ever had. He's got great legs for a defense secretary. Don't you think he was quite a strikingly handsome defense secretary?'

“'Yes sir,' I said.

“'Did you know that I was once secretary of the defense also?'

“'Yes sir, I did.'

“'Are you saying that you think Rumsey was a more handsome defense secretary than me?'

“'No, sir. Not at all. I think you were a fine secretary of defense.'

“'Even Rumsey knows I am quite a handsome VP and I was a very handsome secretary of defense also. Did Rumsey tell you how handsome I am?'

“'Yes, he told me you are the most handsome bald public personality since Yul Brynner.'

“'You see! He didn't even mention that guy from Star Trek. I am much more handsome than him. And I know how to run a ship better than him. You know, I can sing just as well as Yul Brynner also. How many VPs do you know that can sing?'

“'None sir,' I said.

“'I can sing the pants off Albert Gore,' scoffed the vice president. Then he stood up revealing his flowing purple dress and started singing, “I'm just a hunk, a hunk of burnin' love. I'm just a hunk, a hunk of burnin' love.'

“The vice president danced around and sang almost the whole song as I stood there and tried to look like I was impressed. Then he suddenly stopped singing and said to me, 'Wait just a second. Did you just say I was bald?'

“'No sir, I didn't say anything of the sort.'

“The vice president ran his hand through his beehive bouffant wig and said, 'My beautiful hair is 100% natural. It is obvious isn't it?'

“'What is obvious, sir?'

“'That my beautiful hair is 100% natural. Right?'

“'I suppose so.'

“'Oh, come on! Let's not be a dishonest bunch of ass kissers. I know what my hair looked like just the other day. Tell me the truth, Chesterfield. What is my natural hair like?'

“'Why, you are bald, sir.'

“'You disrespectful, ingrate. How dare you call the vice president of the United States bald. For your lack of respect, as a punishment, I want you to get down on the ground and give me 50 push ups.'

“As I was on the ground doing the push ups Cheney's secretary's voice came through the intercom, 'Sir, the President is on line one.'

“'Patch him through to the speaker phone, please,' said the vice president.

“'How's it goin' Dicky baby?'

“'It's going ok. How is it going with you Georgy W baby?'

“'It's goin' alright I reckon. Of course, things would be better if it weren't for those darn Democrats.'

“'Don't worry about those Democrats too much W. I am going show them a thing or two that is going to knock 'em right off their feet. They won't know what happened.'

“'What do ya got in store Dicky?'

“'I got myself a whole new wardrobe and a new harido. I am going to totally revolutionize executive branch government fashion. It will be a remarkable accomplishment of our administration.'

“'Oh no Dicky. Don't tell me you're wearing that dress and that stupid beehive hairdo wig again.'

“'You are just jealous of me W because I am more elegant than you.'

“'That's not true Dicky. I can be very elegant.'

“'Well, I have seen you in some very extravagant red dresses, W. (link) But I still think I am more elegant than you.'

“'The problem Dicky, is that unlike you, I only wear women's clothing behind closed doors. In private. You will only get people against you who don't appreciate high fashion. You know I was elected for my morals. And a lot of folks just don't see dressing like that as moral.”

“'Well, screw those people W. Why shouldn't we dress like we want?'

“'I just don't think it's right. I don't like it.'

“'Well, let me tell you something W. You don't like the way I dress and there are some things I don't like about you. I mean, I appreciate many things about you. For example, you got great legs for a president—they're almost as good as Rumsey's. And your hiney is very nice for a president. I would go as far to say that your hiney is even better than Kennedy's—and I am talking about Kennedy the president, not that fat pig brother of his. But I am going to be upfront with you W. Just were did you get that fucking accent of your's? I am sick of it.'

“'That's just the way I talk Dicky. If you don't like it eat shit.'

“'Oh come on. Your father doesn't talk like that. Your mother doesn't talk like that. You sound like a hillbilly. I am tired of it. And I am sick of giving you pronunciation lessons.'

“'Well I don't care what you think Dicky. I'll just get my pronunciation lessons from Condi, because I won't invite you over to the White House anyway as long as you're going to wear that wig and dress.'

“'Oh sure W. You just watch. You'll miss me and you'll be calling. Good bye.'

“The vice president looked at me on the ground and said, 'Have you done those push ups yet?'

“'Yes,' I said.

“'Then I want you to come over here, Chesterfield, and sit on my lap and tell me who your daddy is.'

“I didn't know what to say to that. I was also thinking no one would believe this story unless I could take a picture and prove it. So I took a wild chance and I said to the vice president, 'You look so elegant in that dress Mr. Vice President. Do you suppose I could take a picture with my camera phone?' He actually seemed pleased that I was interested and stood up and posed.

“After I got the shot I said, 'Sir, I have to go to the bathroom. May I be excused?' It was a desperate attempt to escape.

“Cheney said, 'You can go in my private vice presidential bathroom. Do you need some help?'

“'Yes,' I said, 'I'll go find some,' and I ran out his office door as fast as I could.”