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Wind Breaking News! Tuesday, March 28, 2006!
Man Lets Out Hellacious Fart In Mexican Restaurant, 3 Dead

Officials examining the fart destruction.

It may have been the strongest human fart in recorded history and the results were tragic. A Hoboken, Oregon man, who was a long time sufferer of gas, let out a fart yesterday in a Mexican restaurant and killed three people.

It must have been a terrible way to go. The district attorney is deciding whether to charge the man with anything. Several people were asphyxiated and paramedics who rushed to the scene had to give many restaurant patrons CPR. The unfortunate victims, who authorities determined died from suffocation, sat at an adjacent table near the fart perpetrator where the air circulation was poor. The restaurant owner denies that the restaurant's beans were the cause.

With the growing population of obese people the potential for dangerous gas build up in these giant sized intestines has increased. Dr. Melville McKrauten said, “I have seen some big intestines in big bellies. An immense amount of methane gas can build up in a fat person's intestinal tract. I advise people to stay out of small enclosed areas with fat people, and have the fat people warn you if they feel a big fart coming on.”

While methane gas is not toxic, it can be flammable and drown out the oxygen and asphyxiate someone if the discharge is ample. Most people dislike the odor of methane gas, more commonly known as fart gas. But with the increasing gut sizes of an obese public a foul oder is not the only danger accompanying an inadvertent fart nowadays.

Dr. McKrauten added, “If you live with a fat person, or if you are a very fat person yourself, make sure that you always have quick access to fresh air. It is possible that you even could kill yourself with your own farts. I recommend that if you are very obese and spend a lot of time in small rooms to make sure the windows are open just in case. Fat people with flatulence problems should be extra cautious in rooms with smokers or gas fixture pilot lights.”

While the local district attorney is deciding whether to charge the flatulent fat man with murder charges, environmentalists are also alarmed. Methane gas is a green house gas that is 14 times more potent than carbon dioxide. According to Green Peace activist Eljad Cookermong, “Governments need to curtail obese people as their farting gases can eventually have terrible global warming effects. I would like to see a provision in the global treaty on limiting global warming gasses that originate in the guts of fat people.”