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    Breaking News! Saturday, April 17, 2004!
Fat People Wanted, To Nest New Super Eggs!Big butt, big egg!
Genetic researchers have done it again! Genetic engineering firms like the Poultry Renovation Corp. are now producing giant eggs. The eggs are so big that the chickens cannot sit on them and keep them warm. So chicken farms are hiring people with fat assess by the hundreds to keep the eggs warm.

“This is another example where technological progress is actually increasing employment. Hopefully these neo-Luddites who are worried about job losses from technological innovation will shut-up once and for all,” said Monsanto Spokesman Gerald Siberboing.

And the job is perfect for people with very big asses who weigh over 200 pounds. Many of these fat people really dislike physical activity and all they have to do at this job is sit!

“It's a great job,” says 312 pound Ernie Veldult. “I bring magazines and just sit. I can even bring my cell phone and talk to my friends on the job.”

Meanwhile the eggs are selling well in various test markets. “One egg can feed a whole family of six with big omelettes,” said Siberboing. “Even though there are a few people that still have an irrational fear of genetically modified food these eggs are proving popular with big families and in restaurants. The chefs like that they don't have to crack open hundreds of eggs a day.”

The eggs that are sat on and hatched are being raised as new giant two hundred pound chickens. These chickens are expected to revolutionize the chicken industry.

Mildred Brontacowski, an 230 pound Arkansas woman who suspects that employers denied her work because of her size is not even complaining anymore, “The wages aren't bad and all I have to do is sit. Some of my thin friends who always had a easier time than me getting waitress jobs now envy me. Having a big butt is not all bad now!”

Not everyone is pleased with the new big eggs. Neil Bussard, executive vice president of the Society for Chicken Love said, “These eggs are denying chickens the God given right to motherhood. Every animal should have the right to have and raise their children in a natural sanitary manner. We will be lobbying congress to stop these eggs because they are an affront to chicken motherhood.”

Labor union officials are pessimistic. “Sure the egg sitting jobs are increasing employment in chicken farm areas for the time being,” says AFL-CIO offical Ricter Hildicot. “But what will happen when there are a lot of these these two hundred pound chickens around and the farms don't need to hire the fat people anymore? The big eggs come first then the big chickens. The chicken farms can get away with paying a lot less money to the big chickens than to the fat people and I suspect we will see unemployment levels go up again.”