Thought Provoking, Insightful News & Analysis

Breaking News! Just after midnight, Monday, March 7, 2004.
Gay Population Skyrocketing Due To Vampire Aversion

Vampires, like the one pictured here, fear gays as much as they fear crosses and garlic.

Vampires have been avoiding gays for fear of contracting the AIDS virus for 20 years. Up until the mid 90's the gay population decreased due to fatalities from the AIDS virus. According to statisticians in the Census Bureau two factors have changed death demographics for gays. One is anti viral drugs that have suppressed HIV and AIDS. The second is that Vampires have been very cautious about sucking gay blood. It is a fact that thousands of people are killed annually or enter into a nether world of the undead stemming from vampire attacks. FBI statistics cite that tens of thousands of deaths occur every year in the US from unexplainable cases that involve neck punctures and/or blood loss. While the AIDS virus has hit gays hard this other “unknown” pandemic has left gays untouched. Because vampires have been avoiding gays for years due to fear of AIDS the gay population is now actually increasing and there are more gay men than ever.

“These vampires' attitudes and homophobia is discriminatory and sets a bad example of prejudice against hard working gays everywhere,” says gay activist Bruce Honeybuck. “But, I must admit I feel safer during the full moon and this is one case where homophobia may be a good thing”

“Sucking blood is a different ball game today,” says Vladamir Rousescu, a vampire from Manhattan. “Ven I vas a young vampire I didn't worry about the quality of the blood I sucked. But now vhen the moon is full and I fly into a house, before I sink my fangs into quivering flesh I check the stooge out, blah! I look in the victim's drawers. If my prey has women's undergarments but is a man I immediately jump out the window. Usually I don't need to look in the drawers. I'll see very tasteful interior decorating or a Babara Streisand CD collection—that is more frightening than garlic or a cross!”

Some gays such as Alberto Latush a New York clothing store owner say, “Vampires are homophobic and I plan to boycott all vampire movies and books.”

Other gays like Geraldo Zeesorald, a San Fransisco hair dresser, don't care, “I am happy that the vampires don't like us. They are brutes and they can stay away!”

Vampire experts are saying that if you fear an impending vampire attack or, if there is a vampire hanging out in your neighborhood, having a gay man over is just as effective as garlic or a cross for warding off the vampires. Already one gay man in Seattle has started a business in which he offers to sleep over at your house, on a cot or the sofa, for vampire prevention—for a reasonable price.

Gay activist Bruce Honeybuck added, “This has been really a good year for gays. New advances have been made in anti AIDS drugs, gay marriage is almost legal, and now we learn that we are immune to vampire attacks.”