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Breaking News! Sunday, May 16, 2004!
Gorilla Living In The White House

This is Gary. He lives in the White House.

Some people have dogs. Some people have cats, or goldfish. When President Bush told his wife he wanted a pet gorilla she said, “You can't bring a gorilla into the White House.”

“Why not?” said the President, “I can do anything I want. I'm President of the United States gosh darn it! Now you just get the White House grounds keeper to get a gorilla in here! Do ya hear?”

“Yes Sir.”

Meltingclocktimes.com has learned that the gorilla was delivered just a few days after the 2003 Iraq invasion and hence got no media attention. The gorilla is living in a cage adjacent to the Lincoln bedroom. President Bush named the gorilla, Gary.

We talked with an ambassador, who wished to remain anonymous, who was recently in the White House. He said, “Bush keeps the gorilla secret from the visitors. But it smells bad in there. You know something is not right.”

An anonymous administration official told Meltingclocktimes.com that most White House employees go about their business and are hardly aware that a big gorilla is in their midst. But you really can't ignore it altogether—it stinks in there.”

Wesly Bulhacket, a New York Times columnist, said, “Why is Bush keeping the gorilla secret? Is there something to hide? Is the President ashamed of his gorilla?”

According to a White House housekeeper who wished to remain anonymous, “The President is really attached to the ape. He often visits the gorilla and feeds him bananas to relieve stress. He even takes the gorilla with him when he travels to his ranch in Texas. He had a special compartment built for the gorilla on Air Force One as well.

“One time late at night I was cleaning up in the area and President Bush was conversing with the ape. The President said, 'How are ya doing Gary? Good? I sure like you, Gary. No one understands me like you do.'"

You would think a gorilla caged up in the White House would cause some controversy—at least with animal rights groups. But with the war in Iraq and the economy in the doldrums the media's attention is elsewhere.

“Perhaps Bush is waiting for when things get really bad to officially release news that there's a pet gorilla in the White House,” says political analyst Selwyn Jinglesnout. “With the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal heating up and daily battle casualties I wouldn't be surprised if the news about the gorilla comes out. But then the administration didn't leak out the gorilla news when it was clear that Iraqi weapons of mass destruction didn't exist. However, all of these troubles are adding up. On top of all of this gas prices are up and economists are saying we have inflation. Surely we will be seeing soon a headline that reads, 'Gorilla In The White House!'”