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Breaking News! Friday, March 19, 2004:
Hippie Convention Convenes In San Fransisco

Many hippies in SF live in buses like this. Others are coming in similar buses to SF for the annual hippy convention

Hippiedom is not a throwback from the sixties, but a thriving subculture that the giant annual hippie convention, convening today in San Francisco, is making evident. Dread-locked, tie-dyed enthusiasts by the thousands are expected from hippie enclaves all over the US and abroad.

Conventioneer Freedombear Dingbouts, hitchhiked from Eugene, Oregon and said, “It's really exciting to be here in the San Fransisco area for this special event. Especially because the bay area's Haight-Ashbury is where the hippie sub-culture was born.” Then he added, “Do you have any spare change?”

But not everyone is happy that even more hippies than usual will be descending on San Fransisco. City council members have alloted overtime funds to sanitation workers to clean up back alley urine and illegal camping spots. The council also alloted overtime money to the police in order to break up the hordes of panhandlers expected to congregate throughout the city.

Bertie McKruger, who owns a hotel near the convention site, is angry that the city let hippies hold the convention, “I got a big enough problem with hippie panhandlers here already without the out of town hippies. People who would normally get a hotel room are staying away. Almost no hippies have checked out a room because they mostly like to camp out in their VW vans or sleep in the bushes in the park.”

Other businessmen such as Scotty Jimbox, who hangs out on the corner of Haight-Ashbury and asks passerbys if they want to buy drugs, sees the hippy convention as a big boom for business, “In the next week I am expecting to increase sales fivefold.”

Hippy convention goers will be attending talks, sit ins, musical performances by Greatful Dead imitation bands and workshops that include:
•How to earn a living without working
•Health benefits of not bathing regularly
•New pan handling techniques for 2004.

The who's who of the Hippie world is expected to show and many will be giving talks and lectures. Musicologist Ari Digleton will present a paper, “Grateful Dead Music Might Sound Good After Marijuana Wears Off.” Hippie safety expert Babo Jerkinov will educate hippies on things like how to avoid calamities that happened to several hippies who starved to death when someone put their food stamps in their work boots.

Famed Hippie chef Chez Jonesap will lead workshops on cooking favorite hippie dishes like, “Vegetarian Tofu Granola Goulash” and other recipes for folks who smoke so much marijuana they wouldn't know the difference between eating a piece of wood and a apple.

Also, a symposium on hippie fashions is sure to be a big hit in this year's convention. Hippy trend makers are forecasting, “Tie dyed long underwear under an over sized dress, smelly sandals and bug infested dreadlocks--all new for 2004.”

Jessica Wilbrund, a leading hippy aromatherapist, will be talking about the new 2004 scents like, “Fat Hippie Armpit,” “6 Days Used Hippy Sock,” and “Hippy Dog Breath.”

Spirituality is always a main interest of hippies and many new age religious hippy practices workshops and talks are scheduled such as:
•How I Crammed a Crystal Up My Butt and Became Spiritually Fulfilled.
•How I Ate Mushrooms That Grew Out Of Cow Shit and Saw God.

Plus veteran hippy from the 60's, Moonbeam Johnson, will lead a workshop gathering on, “5000 LSD Trips and I Am Sane, Healthy and Well Balanced.” Johnson requested that participants bring their auro absorbers because Johnson will communicate the workshop only through telepathy. When we contacted Johnson and asked him what an, “auro absorber” is he replied, “Hold on a second, I think I forgot my name.”