Thought Provoking, Insightful News & Analysis

Shocking News! Sunday, October 10, 2004!
Rich Wackos Using Poor People For Furniture

This young man's long fingers and big nose made him a stylish and functional hat rack.

A new trend in furniture is spreading among the nation's elite rich. Wealthy people are taking advantage of the huge numbers of unemployed people and hiring them as human furniture. “Having human furniture is all the rage among the super rich,” says New York socialite Beatrice Nooberstune. “You are nobody if you don't have at least a few pieces of human furniture.”

Harold Washington drives daily from South Central Los Angeles to Beverly Hills where he crouches over as a piano bench, “Sure, it's not the most dignified job, but it pays the bills and I am not unemployed anymore. The job's OK except for the weekly visits from a fat piano teacher who gives lessons to the daughter of the movie tycoon I work for.”

After Washington's shift is over another human piano bench comes and takes over. “They have someone bent over in position 24 hours a day just in case someone decides to get up at three in the morning and play piano,” added Washington.

The latest styles in writing desks!

Human rights groups are outraged. Vitold McDemort, a spokesman for Human Rights Watch says “Using people as furniture is outrageous. We are looking into ways to outlaw this cruel new fashion.”

Other groups like the Long Island Mansion Owner Society are applauding the new trend as an excellent new industry for job creation. Republican spokesman Enis Prezelbomb said, “This is an excellent example of how President Bush's tax cuts for the rich have created jobs and stimulated the economy.”

The fashion is reputed to have started with the famed interior decorator of the filthy rich Brucey Tuchoos, “I took a trip to London and when I saw those wonderful handsome guards at Buckingham Palace I said to myself, 'Oh, I would just love to sit on them!' Then I came up with the idea of decorating my clients' homes with stationary humans like the Buckingham Palace guards. I use a mixed media approach with my design. I use some people for furniture and others for conversation pieces and my clients love it!”

This man had a hard time finding steady work. Now he is gainfully employed as a chair.

Ebert Ellinstone, an editor of Interior Design Magazine says that, “Human furniture is really an exciting new fashion idea. Each piece is unique and they change with age. But human furniture, while expensive because you need to pay an hourly wage, is also very practical and functional. You can easily move it around and into different positions. Also, if you tire of your human furniture you can change their uniforms or hair style for a fresh new look.”

One billionaire who made a fortune in computers, and wished to remain nameless, is ecstatic about his human furniture, “Fat people have natural cushions built in and can be quite comfortable. I like to recline on a fat person's belly while I watch TV. But I don't use only fat people. Tall people bent over make good tables and desks.

This smart hat rack looks great no matter how you arrange the hats!

“If you decide to rearrange or redecorate having human furniture is very convenient. You just tell the furniture to get up and move,” added the billionaire. “However, if the human furniture employees move without orders they get fired. When I leave the room and some guy I hired for a chair moves and stretches out he better not let me see it. I believe furniture should be stationary. What good is a chair if you have to chase it to sit on it?”

In the future human furniture may become more common. A New Jersey furniture importer, Furniture International, is planning to import human furniture from the third world. Debold Doodlebocks, F.I. President says, “If we get around government red tape concerning human trafficking we will bring down prices. Then the rich, as well as the super rich, will also be able to enjoy this hot new fashion.”