Thought Provoking, Insightful News & Analysis
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| Breaking Brain News! Sunday, May 4, 2008!!
Scientists have discovered that many activities do not require higher brain processes. People with severe brain damage can drive a car, go shopping or even ..... Click to read the rest!!!! Breaking Nude News! Friday, March 21, 2008! Meltingclocktimes.com Offers Hillary Clinton $29.95 To Pose Nude
And do you know what? You guys started this campaign—when?-- two fucking years ago and we still have nearly eight months to go. Everyone is getting sick of you presidential candidates. The tanking economy and Spitzer's hooker have stolen your limelight. Hillary, taking off your clothes is ......Click to read the rest!!! Breaking Perverted Holiday News! Friday, December 14, 2007
It was a perverted free for all at the North Pole. Santa Claus and citizens everywhere are outraged after learning that several Republican lawmakers unleashed their odd sexual proclivities and went wild while touring Santa Claus' compound in the North Pole. The Republican delegation visit to the North Pole and Santa was an attempt by the Republican leadership to bolster good publicity for the out of favor political party wracked homosexual sex scandals, a housing crisis, and an unpopular war in Iraq. The visit backfired on the Republicans when several congressmen lost control of their sexual urges for sexy young male reindeer and ..... Click to read the rest!!! Breaking Bizarro News! Sunday, November 18, 2007! Vampire Tree Terrorizing Town
Hoboken, Oregon has had a rough few years. First their whipped cream
factory exploded and buried the town under many feet of whipped cream
killing hundreds of people. (link)
Much of the town is still buried but got little attention due to bigger
disasters in New Orleans, and the December 2004 South Asian Tsunami.
Then vampire activity was turning their town into a citizenry of Zombies.
It got so that hospitals were facing an acute blood shortage due to
poor quality of vampire depleted blood. But the vampires in the spirit
of community went on a fast to help the situation. (link.)
You think all would have turned out OK. But one hungry vampire got delirious
on a popular nature trail just outside of town. The vampire was so hungry
and out of it he that he mistook a tree for a neck and bit into it.
Now as people venture out on the nature trail they are getting attacked
by this now vampire tree. Breaking Public Service News! Saturday, August 11, 2007!
Meltingclocktimes.com advocates burning all spammers at the stake. At least ISPs are using great programs like Spam Assassin (and if your email server doesn't use it you should switch your email service.) And you can avoid much spam by doing simple things like never publishing your email address on a web site. However, because of the deluge of spam we should not overlook idiots who send junk mail--these scum bags deserve the death penalty also. The Meltingclocktimes mansion actually gets more junk mail offering credit cards, get rich schemes, etc., than spam. So Meltingclocktimes.com is providing this guide to kick junk mail perpetrators in the ass. So here is our Send Junk Get It Back guide: Most junk mail has a postage paid return envelope included. So let's send them the junk back and make them pay for it. ........... Click here to see how!! Breaking News! Wednesday, June 6, 2007! Feds Arrest Members Of A Vast Underground Midget Crime Network Who
The FBI and federal agents have arrested several members of a vast crime network of highly organized midgets. According to a high ranking Justice Department official these midgets were involved in a vast crime underworld that costs the United States economy billions of dollars every year. This extensive crime network organizes thousands of midgets and dwarves to steal small objects, such as socks, screw drivers, pens, spoons and many other nick-knacks. The midgets have an extensive network that traffics the stolen merchandise. “Everybody in the country for years has been mystified as to what happened to that pencil they had or why a sock was missing,” says FBI agent Vertold Abolkowski. “We now have an answer and have arrested several criminal midget kingpins in this vast operation.” FBI officials said that agents had a sting operation going on for years. “We discovered the midget crime network was much bigger than anyone imagined. We estimate that the underground midget crime syndicate controlled an astounding 85% of one sock sales to one legged people and 95% of the single contact lens market to one eyed people.” According to a FBI spokesman the criminal midgets...........Click to read the rest!!!Breaking News! Friday, May 4, 2007! A Growing Problem:
Have you ever thought, “The birds are blooming, the sky is singing, the flowers are blue and yet something is wrong?” Everything seems right and going beautiful but still everyone dislikes you. You may be the victim of a discovered newly disorder called, “Word Mix-up Disease.” According to psychiatrist Dr. Vertold Singsing, “Often Word Mix-up Disease victims are not even aware that they are wording up their mixes. Then they can't even understand that why weird look at them people, or why no one jokes at their laughs.” “People always reacted to me as if I nut case like a rambling—even when I witty I was thought saying. But it is a dyslexia just like disorder. The only oral is that it is difference and not visual,” says sufferer word mix-up Jayzeed Flookerbottom who started a Brooklyn word mix-up support group disease. On the positive note, you may have thought......Click to rest the read!!!Breaking News! Thursday, March 15, 2007! Outrageous New
A new outrageous fashion is sweeping the nation and the international fashion scene: Live cat fur jackets. “Here is a way to wear a fur jacket and never have to worry about cruelly killing animals. Women just love them—they are really warm,” says clothing designer Brucey McChochow. “With my design I strive for a back to basic essential natural design, utilizing the natural cat colors. At the same time live cat fur jackets are the only attire I know of that actually generate heat as well as keep in heat. They are very suitable for cold climates that have excess cat populations.” Fashion conscious New York socialite Ernisteen Boonerstien says, “I always loved the look and feel of fur but I couldn't stand the thought of killing animals for a jacket. Using live cats strapped together to make a coat is a fantastic fashion statement. Also, my naturally heated live cat jacket is very warm even in the coldest weather.” Says Vogue magazine editor, Carmile Janderstrutz, “Live cat fur jackets are the fashion sensation of the season. They are ...... Click to read the rest and see more stunning photos of this outrageous fashion sensation!!!! Breaking News! Wednesday, February, 14, 2007!
-A disgruntled vice presidential staffer exposes the bizarre interworkings of the vice president's office. Chesterfield Karrumbas has worked as a maintenance man in the vice presidential residence through several administrations. “I have always just done my job and kept things I have seen in the vice president's residence and office to myself. But Cheney has flipped now and I cannot keep quiet. I don't even care if I lose my job,” said Karrumbus. “Just last week,” continued Karrumbas, “I entered the vice president's office to empty the waste paper basket. The vice president was wearing a woman's dress, a bee hive hair-do wig and make-up. He was on the phone and saying, 'Oh Rumsey, Rumsey, Rumsey! How I miss you. It is so wonderful to hear your voice. Yes, I will call you tomorrow. I will call everyday. You are still my secretary. I don't care who is defense secretary now. You are always the defense secretary in my heart.' “I looked at the vice president and said, 'Should I come back later?' “He raised his hand up and said, 'No, no. Stay here.' Then he said on the phone, 'Rumsey, Rumsey...... Click to read the rest!!!!! Breaking News! Wednesday, January, 17, 2007! Punk Band Singles Out Geeks In Audience And Refuses To Play Until They Leave
Feeberbaum just stood there and said, “I am not leaving. I paid for my ticket.” “Oh my god! That voice! Who sold a ticket to him? Fire them!” said the singer. The band members just stood there with their arms folded and the singer said, .........Click to read the rest!!Reindeer Breaking News! Friday, December 22, 2006 Frank Sinatra Discovered
Molly Gerpluckenstien thought there was something familiar about the Santa she took her six year old daughter to see in a Hoboken, Oregon department store. “He had blue eyes that I had thought I had seen before. After my daughter sat on his lap and told him what she wanted they came over to me. I thanked Santa and we exchanged small talk. I had heard this New Jersey accent before. Then I said to him, 'You are Frank Sinatra!' “He said to me, 'Just don't tell too many people, OK. We don't need a media circus.'” Most people didn't realize it but several people saw that their children and grandchildren got to sit on the lap of the great crooner himself. A few parents and grandparents of these lucky kids even got autographs. While the mainstream media reported that Sinatra died a few years back several leading publications like Meltingclocktimes.com have unearthed evidence that Sinatra .........Click to read the rest!Breaking News! Thursday, November 16, 2006! Sprawling Factory Built In Oregon, But No One Knows What They Make, Including The Workers — Stock is way up!
Hoboken Mayor Jelbert McStunkoil stated that, “The Acme Techno Widgit Corporation is setting a great example for American companies. This fantastic company is putting Americans back to work in the manufacturing sector and revitalizing American industry.” But there is something very peculiar about this factory. No one can really say for sure what they are producing. Including that people that work there. “It is really a mystery as to what we are doing in there,” said worker Elvid Mansood. “But the ......Click to read the rest! Breaking News! Wednesday, October 18, 2006! Recycled Toilet Paper—Questions Arise On How Toilet Paper Manufacturers Get The Shit Out Is the use of recycled toilet paper sanitary?
Everywhere you look you
see recycled products. Newspapers are made with recycled newspapers.
Recycled bags in the grocery store, recycled paper towels. Meltingclocktimes.com
salutes the paper industry's endeavors to save trees by using recycled
paper. But we have to draw the line on toilet paper. Just how do you
get the shit out? And is it even possible to get the shit completely
out? Are toilet paper companies sacrificing our health and sanitation
for profits? Recycled toilet paper may look white, but we believe it
still must harbor bacteria. We do not want to look closely and we will
certainly not smell it to test if all the shit got cleaned out. Breaking News! Monday, July 24, 2006! The Dark Side Of The Internet: There Is A Growing Underworld Of People Publishing &
-A Meltingclocktimes.com editorial Recently as I was surfing the web I accidentally hit on a random page and made a startling discovery. It is shocking and maybe you know something about it. There is an underworld of people publishing and exchanging photos of poodles. It shocked me to see peoples' horrid pet poodle photos. To think people actually own and live with these little rat dogs--that is bad enough. But to subject other people to this repulsiveness and publish the photos on the internet--oh, the horror! Why is it that there is pornography blocking software, but no poodle blocking software? Many internet sites discourage naked humans and people engaged in sexual .......Click to read the rest!!! Ground Breaking News! Tuesday, June 13, 2006! White House To Be Razed For
Walmart officials and the General Services Administration, the government branch that deals with federal buildings, have jointly announced that they will raze the White House to make way for a super Walmart store. The White House will be moving to a location in suburban Virgina. “There were many reasons that just made sense for a White House move,” said General Services Administration spokesman Elbert Hunderdunk. “While the White House does have sentimental and symbolic significance to many Americans it is an old, outdated structure. Instead of constantly upgrading the worn out building it makes sense just to move elsewhere—especially now that real estate prices are very high and the Walmart corporation is willing to pay handsomely for the property. I think most Americans will appreciate .......Click to read the rest!!! Breaking News! Sunday Night, May 7, 2006! Gay Transvestite Bigfoot
Craig Latham, is a handsome hunk who recently moved to a forested area just outside Eugene, Oregon. At first Latham and his wife loved their their new peaceful and beautiful spot in the woods. That is until a gay transvestite Bigfoot, who goes by the name Bruce, started stalking Latham. The Bigfoot is always outside Latham's house and he often howls and moans. “It's terrible," said Latham. "I can go to town and get a restraining order. But he is a sasquatch and he doesn't care about our human laws. The cops don't do anything anyway. I think the police around here are homophobic and they are afraid of him. This sasquatch is eight feet tall. He looks like that character in Star Wars with a limp wrist.” The Bigfoot, Bruce, talked to Meltingclocktimes.com. He had tears in his eyes and said, ......Click to read the rest and see more photos!! Wind Breaking News! Tuesday, March 28, 2006! Man Lets Out Hellacious Fart In Mexican Restaurant, 3 Dead
It must have been a terrible way to go. The district attorney is deciding whether to charge the man with anything. Several people were asphyxiated and paramedics who rushed to the scene had to give many restaurant patrons CPR. The unfortunate victims, who authorities determined died from suffocation, sat at an adjacent table near the fart perpetrator where the air circulation was poor. The restaurant owner denies that the restaurant's beans were the cause. With the growing population of obese people the potential for dangerous gas build up in these giant sized intestines has increased. Dr. Melville McKrauten said, “I have seen some big intestines in big bellies. An immense amount of methane gas can.......Click to read the rest!!!!Meltingclocktimes.com nose breaking profile! Monday, February 27, 2006! Life Smells Sweet For The Man With
Stephen Montipoopleir of Paris, France has the world's biggest nose. He works in the specialized field of perfume sampling. When perfume factories get batches of lavender or sarcophagus they need smellers to distinguish the good and bad batches. Motipooleir's nose is not only the biggest but it's one of the best in the industry. Its big size makes for more nerves and olefactorous surface area resulting in a keen sense of smell. Montipoopleir says he makes millions of Euros a year. His home is surprisingly modest for such a rich man. Montipoopleir lives in a working class area of Paris. Montipoopleir and a slightly overweight middle aged woman greeted me at the door. I entered the house and shook Montipoopleir's hand. He indicated the woman and said, “This is my servant. Get us some wine, woman.” The woman made a scowl and said, “You are not going on with that again? People will just think you're a banana nosed nut case.” “Is that your wife?” I asked. “Are you joking? I am surrounded by the most beautiful women in the world. Women half her age. The perfume industry's fashion models. And they all love me. Women love my fame and big...........Click to read the rest!!!Breaking Educational News! Wednesday, February 8, 2006! Young People Forgoing College & Getting Bums On The Streets For Personal Tutors To
Students across the country are quiting college and hiring winos and homeless bums for tutors who offer more bang for the buck. A typical state university like the University of Oregon's tuition is $5900 a year. The University of California is $6800 a year. Yale University costs $31,000 a year. “Screw the high tuition costs,” says University of Washington dropout Jiglebut Hoserwald. “I had to pay a fortune to sit in a lecture hall with 500 other students. I get more personal attention from a wino who is teaching me about physics for a bottle of Thunderbird each lesson.” Many students told us that they are getting a better education for a much lower cost. “Sure many of these bums are crazy and mentally disturbed,” added Hoserwald, ”but so are many college professors I had and the class sizes ............... Click to read the rest! Breaking News! Wednesday, December 15, 2005! Life Is Rough For Man Named Ebakaneebervanderspunklemcdooodlefuch Smith
“One of my uncles used to call me, 'Ebakaneebervanderfuch' for short. My mother would get pissed off at............ Click to read the rest! Breaking Nose News! Wednesday, November 30, 2005!
Burglars Stealing Noses Thieves across the nation are plaguing law enforcement officials and stealing noses. Many people look upon nose theft as comical, but it is no laughing matter to its many victims. An unfortunately typical senario beset a New York city man who wished to remain nameless. Last Monday a man broke into his apartment while he was sleeping and stole his nose. No one knows if the suspect is wearing the nose or what he is doing with it. The NYPD is advising Manhattan residents to report suspicious characters who appear to have two noses or anyone carrying a nose sized bag. High tech police crime prevention, computerized alarm systems and DNA analysis are all contributing to a lower overall crime rate. “So criminals are resorting to unusual niches in the burglar industry,” says New York police officer Barty Buckmonts. “People do not expect that there are nose thieves—but there are and nose crime is increasing. While people safeguard jewelry and credit cards noses are left out in the open and thieves are taking advantage.” Officer Buckmonts related another typical case: “A woman walked down....... Click to read the rest! Breaking Turkey News! Friday, November 18, 2005! New Sport Craze: Live Turkey
A new sport is sweeping the nation. Skydivers are jumping out of planes without parachutes. They are attaching themselves to a string of live turkeys. Apparently the turkeys go nuts and flap their wings and act as a parachute. And with live turkeys going for less than a dollar a pound it costs a lot less than a parachute which can cost over a thousand bucks. “Turkey parachuting is really opening the plane door for a lot of skydivers who normally would be put off by the high price of parachutes,” says skydiving instructor Nebold Einacracker. “Since turkeys are cheaper than parachutes we offer lower prices now for skydiving lessons and jumps. People also like jumping from a plane using natural live turkeys, not an artificial petroleum based parachute.” A few turkeys have freaked out and had heart attacks, died and plopped down to earth. “But turkey parachuting is very safe” added Eincracker. “If you string up 20 turkeys there is a very small chance that they will all freak out and not flap their wings.” “Turkey parachuting only has one disadvantage over traditional parachuting,“ explained turkey jumping enthusiast Jabbo Yokinhowl. “Jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet scares the shit out of .........Click to read the rest and see three more action packed photos!!Saturday November 5, 2005! Breaking & Stimulating News! There is a new Clockmelter! xx Monday, at midnight, October 24, 2005! Breaking Halloween News! Vampires Go On Fast To Bolster Blood Supply In Town's Hospitals
It's Halloween season now
and millions of people will be dressing up like vampires. But real vampires
in Hoboken, Oregon have been so active that local hospitals have put
out an alert that there is a blood shortage. Breaking News! Sunday, October 9, 2005. Annual Ugly, Poor and Fat Men Convention Swarming With Groupies
Every year the Society For Ugly, Poor And Fat Men hold a convention. You are maybe wondering why there is such an organization and convention. Is it to help these guys out with strategies to overcome poverty and obesity? We asked several convention goers why they came. “I come to the convention for the women,” said convention goer Berty Jowlson from Trenton, New Jersey. “Hot women like ugly losers.” This is the answer that every ugly fat guy gave us. And if you looked around beautiful groupies swarmed the convention grounds. I asked Melinda Goldbukeroos who flanked the left of a heavyweight, poorly dressed coventioneer who was a head shorter than her, why she was attending the convention, “Oh, I just love these guys. They are so down to earth and they don't try and impress you by throwing money all over because they don't have any. So you are just down to the essentials.” LaTusha, who flanked the same fat guy on the right said ........Click to read the rest!!!Back From A Break With Breaking News! Friday, Sept. 30, 2005! Dinosaurs Went Extinct Because
Many paleontologists are coming to the conclusion that dinosaurs went extinct because they were gay. According to MIT scientist Dr. Irwin McCorynouat, “There is a growing body of paleontological evidence of widespread dinosaur homosexuality. Apparently many dinosaur species lack of interest in the opposite sex led to a reproduction decline that led to their demise.” Although some scientists still believe a cataclysmic event such as a comet or climate change killed off the dinosaurs several fossil sites are throwing a monkey wrench into old theories. In a recent University of Montana dig researchers found two male dinosaur skeletons who died together in a loving embrace. Researchers are seeing simular gay entwined fossil positions at paleontological sites world wide. Paleontologists have unearthed several dinosaur species, such as the megasaurass and the lickalotapus, in various locations engaged in homosexual activities. According to Dr. McCorynouat, “Scientists ........Click to read the rest! Breaking Energetic News! Wednesday, June 15, 2005! Engineer Invents Perpetual Motion Machine With Beer Cans Pollution Free Technology Will Revolutionize The World
Engineer Rufus Thornburt might not be a household name yet, but Thornburt and some alternative energy innovators believe one day he will be as rich and famous as Bill Gates. Rufus Thornburt has invented an innovative but simple way of producing electricity. It causes no pollution and the energy will be too cheap to meter. Thornburt explains, “It's based on the concept of, 'What happens when ya' stick a beer can in water? It rises to the top.' You tie the beer cans on a wheel and put it in water. The wheel is connected to a turbine.” When Thornburt gets confronted with questions like, “What about the laws of physics that explain perpetual motion machines as a physical impossibility?”--He replies: “Lookie here! I am an Engineer with a degree from a reputable correspondence school. People told Thomas Edison all the things he invented were impossibilities too! We don't need those negative attitudes around here!” Thornburt told about the difficulties implementing his beer can technology and the history of it: “I came up with this here invention going back 15 years. The oil companies have been suppressing me........ click to read the rest!!!Breaking News! Thursday, June 2, 2005! Outrageous New Fashion Craze: Displaying Dead
A new fashion craze is sweeping the nation. Fashion conscious people are displaying their dead grandparents in their living rooms. Many people are disgusted and appalled at the new fashion, and health authorities are warning people that having a rotting corpse in your house may be unhealthful. But many people are in love with their new conversation pieces and many interior decorating magazines and web sites are raving about the trend. “Having a relative die now is less painful,” says interior designer Brucey Tuchoos, “because at least you get a fantastic opportunity to use the corpse to make a striking fashion statement in your living room décor.” .........Click to read the rest about this exciting new fashion!Breaking News! Friday, May 20, 2005! Scientists Develop Dog With
Genetic Engineers Do It Again! Product Will Revolutionize The Pet Industry! Genetic scientists have done it again. Researchers at the Acme Genetics Corporation (Web site) have successfully produced dogs without assholes. “This will revolutionize the pet industry,” says Acme Genetics spokesman Ilvord Veganostrup. “Almost everyone loves dogs. But many people did not want to own dogs because of the inconvenience of cleaning up after them. We have eliminated that problem and have opened a whole new market for dog ownership.” Acme Genetics scientists worked for years altering dog genetics. “We had several prototypes that unfortunately prematurely exploded,” said Veganstrup. “But our engineers did not give up. We engineered new...........Click to read the rest!! Breaking News! Monday, May 9, 2005! Meltingclocktimes.com Proposes New Rules To Improve Major Sports, Part 2
Last week we came up with rule changes that would improve baseball, football, basketball, hockey and soccer. This week we propose improvements for boxing and three sports that are not really sports--figure skating, bowling and golf. Click to read Meltingclocktimes.com proposals for changing major sports for the better, part 2! Breaking News! Saturday, April 30, 2005! Meltingclocktimes.com Proposes New Rules To Improve Major Sports, Part 1 Suggestions include eliminating free throws in basketball, mandatory wardrobe malfunctions in half time shows, and replacing hockey pucks with live chihuahuas The Internet, video games and a million other things are grabbing crowds away from sports. Attendance is falling in major sports events. The National Hockey League even called the season off and not so many people even care. All the major sports need major changes to get the crowds interested again. But not petty changes like new uniform colors that only get gay guys interested. All the sports need rule changes to make them more exciting and interesting. So hence sports people, Meltingclocktimes.com is proposing these new rules to all the major sports. If these Meltingclocktimes.com suggestions are enacted the sports world will see a enormous increase in popularity. If they are not enacted major sports will continue to stagnate and decline in popularity. Click to read Meltingclocktimes.com proposals for changing major sports for the better, part 1! Breaking News! Friday, April 22, 2005! Mad Scientist Puts Chemical In Water Supply That Will Turn Everyone In The Whole World Into Elvis Impersonators
A high ranking FBI official has informed Meltingclocktimes.com that a fugitive mad scientist has developed a chemical, which he aims to put in the world wide water supply, that will make everyone believe they are Elvis Presley. Our secret source stated that, “This mad scientist loves Elvis Presley and in his demented world view he wants to see the entire world populated with Elvis impersonators. But the world will not be populated with merely Elvis impersonators. People, after drinking the tainted water, actually believe they are Elvis Presley.” The Elvis chemical has already contaminated water in many municipalities. Witnesses have reported seeing thousands of Elvis impersonators in New York City and other parts of .....Click to read the rest!!!! Breaking News! Saturday, March 19, 2005! Many Dead People Are Not Really Dead But Suffer From A
A growing number of doctors and medical care experts have reached the conclusion that many patients who have died or are dying are not really sick or even dead, but that they suffer from a severe form of hypochondria. “The theory, which seems absurd at first, makes a lot of sense when you examine the arguments,” says Mayo clinic medical researcher Dr. Velstien Vertboots. “A lot of people think because they are old they must die. But the human body even in old age is very resilient and has amazing healing powers. It is only people's attitudes that make them feeble, sick and dead. Death is mostly a psychological problem and then many people thrive on the attention they get while dying. Many deceased people are actually healthy.....Click to read the rest! Breaking News! Friday, March 11, 2005! Man Follows Shampoo Directions And Dies In Shower After Lathering, Rinsing And Repeating
No one had heard from Elbert Wingducker for weeks. Finally his sister broke into his house and found Elbert's skeleton in the shower with a thick lather of shampoo on his head. Hundreds of empty shampoo bottles were strewn all over the bathroom floor. Apparently Elbert Wingducker was a man who took things too literally. He read the instructions on the shampoo bottles to, “Lather, rinse and repeat,” and continued until he withered away. Elbert's sister Stella said she plans on suing shampoo companies. “My brother was.......Click to read the rest! Stimulating News! Friday, March 4, 2005! Angel, Clockmelter of the Month! Angel was the first Clockmelter of the Month. Now for your delight she is back with 16 new photos taken right in the Meltingclocktimes.com mansion. Click to see! Breaking News! Friday, February 25, 2005! Giant Publication Weekly World News Rips Off
Their newspapers are for sale in thousands of grocery store checkout lines. They sell over two million copies a week. The Weekly World News has hundreds of writers. But where do they go to get hot, relevant stories? Right here. Either it is a very weird coincidence or, The Weekly World News has ripped off Meltingclocktimes.com. Last September 27, we published an article, Nerds Plotting To Take Over The World! Three and a half months later the Jan. 10 Weekly World News, on page 21, copied the exact headline. The article was......Click to read the rest! Ear Splitting News! Wednesday, February 16, 2005! Man Trying To Break World's Record By Singing “10,000,000 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall” Shot To Death By Wife
“10,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall, 10,000,000 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around – 9,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall.” That is how it all started. It ended with Ester McKookleflap shooting to death her husband Enid McKookleflap yesterday . “Mr. McKookleflap was attempting to get in the record books by singing '10,000,000 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall,' and it drove his wife to the brink,” said New York police officer Chester McClouduck. After more than four months Mr. Kookleflap had only gotten to 9,447,853 when his wife...........Click to read the rest! Exclusive Investigative Report! Thursday, February 10, 2005! Short, Bald, Fat Guy In New Jersey Controls The World
Some people go on about how the oil companies control everything. Others believe the CIA, or Dick Cheney, or Jews, or even Frank Sinatra (who is still alive) are pulling the strings and in charge of it all. Meltingclocktimes.com investigative reporters have discovered that Hiemie Smielsnucker, an unassuming, short, bald and fat guy who lives in suburban New Jersey is actually the guy who is in control of the world. Hardly anyone knows it but Hiemie Smielsnucker is behind everything. He controls oil companies, banks, financial markets, the military, the media and government leaders all over the world are his puppets. You may not have heard of him before but world figure heads from Bill Gates to George Bush to the Saudi Royal family know him well and do whatever he says. A top CIA official confided to us, “The CIA actually....Click to read the rest!!! Back from a winter break with inspirational news! Thursday, February 3, 2005.
A Personal Message From Meltingclocktimes.com Head Honcho Brian Friedkin: A few weeks ago my 97 year old grandmother died. She was a great grandmother, was very healthy and lived on her own until last summer when she fell and broke her hip. In 2003, at age 95, she had a romantic relationship with a guy named Bernie. In Spring, 2003 I taped a phone conversation with her. She talks about having great sex at age 95. You can listen to it by clicking the MP3 link below. The background music is from the great group Morphine. Unfortunately, Bernie also died about a year ago. Click to hear MP3... Photo on left: Doris Dashe, in 2000 with daughter Linda & grandson Brian Friedkin. Breaking News! Friday, December 17, 2004! VW Hippie Van With Hippie Skeletons Collides Into International Space Station
It is the most bizarre thing ever to occur in the history of humanity's endeavors into space. Yesterday a psychedelic VW hippie van, with two long hair hippie skeletons, collided into the international space station. The hippie skeletons were outfitted with frazzled tie-dyed t-shirts and one skull had a joint in his mouth. They had been listening to an eight track tape of the Grateful Dead which miraculously was still playing. How these hippies got into space is a great mystery. NASA official Edsel Googerbran said, “I think these hippies may have somehow got tangled up with a weather ballon and were catapulted into space. They may have been orbiting the Earth for years.” Others are offering theories as to how the VW hippie van got up there. Another NASA official said, “I think they may have been screwed up from the marijuana, took a wrong turn and ended up........Click to read the rest & see more bizarre photos! Stimulating News! Sunday, Dec. 12, 2004! Sandy, Clockmelter of the Month! Back in June we published nude photos of Sandy that bedazzled thousands. Due to popular demand she is back with 19 new photos! Breaking News! Friday, December 3, 2004! Jehovah Witnesses & Mormons In Major Turf Wars Over Door to Door Trafficking
Both the Mormon and Jehovah Witness religions are growing and it was inevitable that the two groups would clash on the streets. It's getting ugly out there. Turf battles are erupting between Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons. Police in several cities across the nation have had to break up brawls between the two religious sects. Wilma Butercup, an agnostic from Helena, Montana, thought she had a problem just shooing the proselytizers away. Last Monday right when a group of Jehovah Witnesses approached Butercup's door she saw Mormons coming up her front steps from the other direction. A major brawl erupted with each group yelling at each other and tossing flower pots. Butercup called the cops, but major damage already occurred before police broke up the fight. Garden flowers were uprooted and the place was strewn over with torn Watchtower pages and Mormon pamphlets. “It's getting bad out here,” says San Diego resident Jimbo Doebert. “The kids can't even go out and play safely anymore.” San Diego is a hotbed of missionary activity. Police are advising residents to ..........Click to read the rest!Back From A Break With Breaking News! Tuesday, Nov. 23, 2004! Whipped Cream Factory Explodes, Entire Town Buried Under Whipped Cream
It was a typical American town, with tract homes, a shopping mall, fast food chains, a Walmart surrounded by a huge parking lot and a dead down town. One thing that was unique in Hoboken, Oregon was the Acme whipped cream factory. Yesterday, a terrible explosion rocked the Acme whipped cream factory and buried the entire town seven to ten feet deep in whipped cream. Perhaps hundreds of people have died in this terrible tragedy. Emergency crews are still digging through thick whipped cream trying to find survivors. The whipped cream is getting stiff and rescue workers are giving up hope that the many people still buried under the thick mass of whipped cream will survive. Already, a day after this terrible event, as the whipped cream hardens survivors and others are saying, “Leave the whipped creamed buried town to be as a monument to the future!” So exclaimed Mayor Jelbert McStunkoil. Yesterday he climbed out of the cream and went to work leading the rescue effort. But a day later McStunkoil said, “There is little hope of finding more people in the giant mass of whipped cream. Let us leave the whipped cream like it is as a tribute to victims of this terrible tragedy. One day Hoboken, Oregon, perhaps a thousand years hence will be what Pompeii is now. The citizens of Hoboken will not have died in vain.” .........Click to read the rest!A shocking update to Washington Irving's Headless Horseman! Friday, October 21, 2004! Headless People Terrorizing Cities And Towns Across The Nation!
It is deep into October. The days are short and a long black gloom haunts the night. Eeriness creeps in from the clammy midnight air. It was in October when Washington Irving wrote about Ichabod Crane and the headless horseman. Irving must have looked out his window in the dead October black and got a chill. What was out there? Have you wondered what happened to the headless horseman? Does he still roam the deserted night roads and haunt the nervous traveler anxious to get home safe from unseen eyes that spy him from the dim woods, and from underneath the bridges? Surely you do not literally think there is such a creature, do you reader? It is all a fiction, right? I would like to laugh off the story of Ichabod. But why has Irving's tale lasted two hundred years? Do you not feel something there in the dank lightless October still hours? Something, I dread, still roams the lonely roads. The hideous spirit that haunted Ichabod still stalks us. These ghouls have even multiplied! Reader, you might hide under your blanket and wait for the morning light and go about in your bright day. But there is shadow world from which you cannot hide. I have discovered it and I will warn you now so you may protect yourself if that is possible: Thousands, no, not just thousands, but millions of people in our fair country have lost their heads! Beware!. ........Click to read the rest! Shocking News! Sunday, October 10, 2004! Rich Wackos Using Poor People For Furniture
A new trend in furniture is spreading among the nation's elite rich. Wealthy people are taking advantage of the huge numbers of unemployed people and hiring them as human furniture. “Having human furniture is all the rage among the super rich,” says New York socialite Beatrice Nooberstune. “You are nobody if you don't have at least a few pieces of human furniture.” Harold Washington drives daily from South Central Los Angeles to Beverly Hills where he crouches over as a piano bench, “Sure, it's not the most dignified job, but it pays the bills and I am not unemployed anymore. The job's OK except for the weekly visits from a fat piano teacher who .....Click to read the rest and see more human furniture fashion idea photos! |
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