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Breaking News! Friday, March 11, 2005!
Man Follows Shampoo Directions And Dies In Shower After Lathering, Rinsing And Repeating

A photo of the victim.

For Weeks
No one had heard from Elbert Wingducker for weeks. Finally his sister broke into his house and found Elbert's skeleton in the shower with a thick lather of shampoo on his head. Hundreds of empty shampoo bottles were strewn all over the bathroom floor. Apparently Elbert Wingducker was a man who took things too literally. He read the instructions on the shampoo bottles to, “Lather, rinse and repeat,” and continued until he withered away.

Elbert's sister Stella said she plans on suing shampoo companies. “My brother was meticulous about following directions. The shampoo companies only had to say, 'Repeat once or twice,' and there would have been no problem. But the shampoo companies want people to get confused about how many times to repeat and a lot more shampoo gets used. The shampoo companies are more interested in people using up their products, selling more and making profits than they are about safety. Now it has backfired. My dear brother has died due to their imprecise directions and I plan on going to court and making them pay for their greed!”

A spokesman for the Acme Shampoo Company said, “We are not responsible for mis-use of our products. Instead of blaming us for this unfortunate incident the victim's relatives should be thanking us for providing him with clean and manageable hair.”

Elbert's skeleton was found in his shower with hundreds of shampoo bottles on the floor. He apparently bought the discount quantity box at a wholesaler like Costco. “If it wasn't for discount bulk packaging Elbert would have run out of shampoo and he might be alive today. So maybe I should also sue the store that sold this bulk box,” said Wingducker's sister.

“Elbert took things too literally,” said his aunt, Flora Wingducker. “One time I said to Elbert, 'You are looking sharp.' So he got a file and dulled the edges on his teeth and nails.”

Wingducker's Neighbor Frank Festiding said, “He was a nice guy but he had no common sense. Once he borrowed my ladder to change a light bulb. He brought it back without changing the bulb because it said on the ladder, 'Do not go past this step.'

“Once my kid went into Wingducker's yard after a ball. He ran out of his house, dove on a bucket and yelled, 'Warning! Keep away from this bucket!'”

Ernest Hibogloben, President of The Consumer Action League said, “We are looking into lobbying congress to enact legislation to prohibit misleading product instructions. Shampoo manufacturers should put warning labels on their bottles that say, 'Warning, taking directions too literally may impair your health.'”