An exclusive Meltingclocktimes.com investigative report!
Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2004!
Mafioso Thugs Terrorizing “Low Carb”
Restaurants
 |
| Italians and food lovers are perplexed and insulted
that "low carb" trend mongers disdain pasta like the plate
pictured here. |
Italian Food Lovers Claim “Low Carb”
Trend Is Terrorizing Good Food
Restaurants in Italian sections of cities across America that have advertised
“Low Carb” are getting windows broken out and thugs are
beating up “low carb” chefs. Panic is sweeping through the
restaurant industry. I called up my friend Luigi. Luigi is in the thick
of the underworld. If something is going on Luigi gives me the scope.
Luigi and I met at our favorite Italian restaurant. This place served
traditional Italian food, so it suffered no vandalism like other places
on the street. We sat down at the red checkered table and Luigi's
cell phone rang.
“Oh, sorry! I thought I turned it off, but I think it's my girl.
Hello?... Oh Seymour. I thought you were my girl. Listen. I am hanging
up because I am sitting in Mamma Rosita's Italian restaurant with my
good friend...You are right down the street? Then you come and join
us! See you!”
A pudgy middle aged man in a suit with a back pack sat down at our table
within a minute.
Luigi introduced us and said, “We had to hire a new accountant.
We had a little problem with our old one, may he rest in peace, siphoning
a few funds.”
This traditional restaurant served everything just like in Italy. The
first plate you get pasta or risotto, then for the second plate you
ordered meat, perhaps veal or chicken with contorno—i.e. the side
dish.
The waitress came and Luigi ordered pasta alla puttanesca, and I ordered
pasta con le vongole. The waitress looked at Seymour, and he said, “I
am going to skip the first course.”
“What?” said Luigi, “This is the best pasta you will
find outside of Italy.”
“I am on the 'low carb' diet, and I can't eat carbohydrates.”
“You mean you won't eat the fantastic pasta here?”
“Well, ah, no Luigi. It has carbohydrates.”
“Listen. What the fuck is wrong with eating carbohydrates?”
“If you study Adkins you can see how eliminating unhealthy carbs
can help you obtain a...”
“What? Mamma Rosita's pasta is healthy food! They come from the
old country and know how to make it. You're crazy if you don't eat it!
What do you mean you are not gonna eat good pasta?” Luigi turned
to the waitress and said, “You bring him a plate of pasta. Same
that you bring me. We will show him what good healthy food is.”
The waitress quickly brought us three plates of pasta and Seymour said,
“I am sorry, but I can't eat that. You guys can have it. I must
maintain strict adherence to the low carb diet. No pasta or pizza for
me.”
Luigi grabbed Seymour's ear and crammed his face into the plate of pasta
and ordered, “Eat it!”
Seymour took his fork in his shaking hand put two noodles in mouth,
chewed it and swallowed as Luigi let go of his ear.
“It's fantastic isn't it?” said Luigi.
 |
Pasta Primavera |
“Of course it's delicious. I never said it was not tasty,”
said Seymour.
“Bullshit! You said it was unhealthy.”
“Well, it can taste good, and because of the excess carbohydrates,
be unhealthy.”
“If it is good how in the hell can it be unhealthy?”
“What about chocolate cake? That tastes good, but it's not healthy.”
“Who eats chocolate cake all the time? Once a week. It's good,
it's healthy. If you eat it all the time you'll get sick. Who eats it
all the time?"
“A lot of people do.”
“Like you. You eat it all the time. You are crazy! You eat chocolate
cake all time, even though it makes you sick, then you don't eat healthy
pastasciutta! I'll tell you what's unhealthy: You! You are unhealthy
in the head!”
“That is not fair. There are many people who have problems managing
their weight, so a low carb diet is....”
“Listen! You shut up! Zitto! Eat it,” yelled Luigi as he
pointed at Seymour's plate.
“I will have one more bite and then that is all.” Seymour
chewed the pasta and then put down his fork.”
“You had two fucking bites. That's all?”
“Yes, that is all for me. Now I'll order some meat with no sauce.”
Luigi grabbed Seymour by collar and pulled him up. “You want to
lose weight? I'll show you how to lose weight!”
“What are you doing?” yelled Seymour.
Luigi grabbed Seymour's backpack, dumped out a lap top computer, books
and file folders that crashed to floor as he held Seymour's shirt collar
with the other hand. He pulled Seymour outside and loaded up the pack
with a couple of 25 pound rocks that were a part of the next door Japanese
restaurant's rock garden. He swung the pack on Seymour's back as he
protested, “What are you doing? Let me go! My things!”
“This is how you lose weight. We are walking up hill. You're not
going home until dark. Be prepared to sweat.”
“Let me go! This is heavy,” whined Seymour as Luigi muttered,
“Doesn't eat pizza and pasta? Mamma mia!”
This reporter sat and ate his pasta as this vigilante action went on
against the 'low carb' mania. It was my impression that many dinners
looked on with admiration. A lasagna eating restaurant patron sitting
at the next table remarked, “I used to think the Mafia was a bunch
of thugs giving us hard working Italians a bad name. But they're doing
nothing but good now. All these years of fast food crap, and now this
low carb shit. We Italian Americans are sick of this insult to our food!”
The people in the restaurant applauded.
Many people, like reformed donut eating cops and blubber filled district
attorneys, want to nail the restaurant saboteurs. But many lovers of
good food like Giusepe Carellinoni, an Italian chef, are saying, “Lay
off! Just who are the saboteurs? Aren't these 'low carb' people vandalizing
good food?”
FBI mafia expert Enid Garblowski says, “Times have changed. Indian
casinos, state and internet gambling have wiped out Mafia gambling and
numbers rackets. Much of the drug trade has been taken over by street
gangs. The porn industry has gone legit and is even socially acceptable.
Even truck hijacking, because of hi-tech anti-crime equipment, has diminished.
But the Mafia is still trying to hang on to their way of life. They
are going to make sure their neighborhoods have good traditional Italian
food.”
