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Shocking News! Friday, May 21, 2004!
New Sport Craze: Pin The Tail On The Donkey With A Live Donkey And A Nail Gun

This poor, unassuming donkey has no idea what is about to hit him.

A new outrageous sport is sweeping the nation and animal rights advocates are outraged. The sport is Pin The Tail On the Live Donkey using a high powered nail gun. The sport entails contestants who blast colored tails attached to 16 penny nails into a donkey. The donkey is tied to a post. However, the donkey can still kick, and driving 16 penny nails into donkeys makes them shoot off wild kicks. The danger is part of the sport and the contestants wear helmets, chest protectors, shin guards as well as a blind fold, to safeguard themselves from the violent kicks.

If the nail tail hits near the tail the contestant gets ten points. If the nail makes the donkey fall over the contestant gets 15 points. The shot that kills the donkey gets 20 points. After the donkey dies the judge counts up all of the contestants uniquely colored tails.

The sport is getting popular and businessmen across the country are talking about forming professional Pin the Tail On the Donkey leagues. “Not only is this form of Pin the Tail on the Donkey exciting and challenging to play,” says sport enthusiast Vertold Buckinhaker, “it is also very exciting to watch. First of all, because the donkey pinner must execute skill to find the donkey and strategically feel the best place to shoot his nail gun. Then it takes a lot of athletic ability to dodge the donkey kicks and get out of the way. When the final contestant kills the donkey with the last nail after all the kicking it is very climatic. It is like a bull fighter who finishes off a roaring bull.”

Donkey breeders, nail gun and compressor manufacturers are welcoming the boom in business and like the sport as well as the enthusiastic fans and players. “We have seen business increase ten percent,” says Bill Fuberflop, Vice President of the Acme Compressor and Nail Gun Co. “We attribute our growth to the new interest in Pin The Tail On the Live Donkey.”

This donkey was soon spouting blood. He managed to kick a contestant good in the balls though.

Ismeal Gotenchesh, president of the, “Save Our Donkeys” foundation is alarmed by the new sport, “This savage sport is an outrageous and cruel slaughter of these beautiful animals. This type of pin the tail is a form of torture and murder; donkey murder. We are lobbying congress to make Pin The Tail On A Live Donkey illegal. This has been a terrible year for my beloved donkeys. First, it became fashionable for connoisseurs to dine on mashed donkey brains, and now this. What is this country coming to?”

Sports organizers are getting kids involved. “This is an exciting new sport and it is going to be big internationally,” says Los Angeles sports director Nathan Wheelboker. “People are getting tired of the same old football, basketball, and baseball. New sports like Live Cat Soccer, Dwarf Tossing, and Pin The Tale On A Live Donkey are getting immensely popular. I believe Pin The Tail On A Live Donkey will have big international championships like you see in tennis and it will be big in the Olympics. That's why I think we should get the kids involved so the United Sates can get an edge in future competitions. We already have an after school program that gets kids as young as eight playing and they love it. Instead of pinning a tail on a full grown donkey the kids do it with a pony. We call it the Pony League. The Pony League is to Pin The Tail On A Live Donkey what Little League is to baseball, and you can bet that in the future it will be just as big, if not bigger.”