Thought Provoking, Insightful News & Analysis

Breaking News! May 31, 2004!
Cure Found For Baldness –Saddam Hussein's Spider Hole
Halliburton gets contract to administer hair growth resort in the hole

Sargent Gary Applestein was nearly bald but his hair grew back after spending time in Saddam's spider hole.

When the US Army captured Saddam Hussein in a spider hole near Tikrit, Iraq in December the pictures shocked most everyone. Millions of people said, “How the hell did he grow such a thick beard in just eight months?”

Stromond Elverhober from Milwaukee, Wisconsin looked in amazement at his television last December and said, “I worked as Santa Claus and I got a prize winning beard. It took me years to grow a beard like Saddam Hussein got in a mere eight months.”

Nearly bald Sargent Gary Applestein is part of US military team commissioned with recording and exploring Hussein's spider hole for documents and materials that could be used in the legal case against Saddam Hussein's regime. The day after Hussein was captured Applestein spent two hours in the hole. When Applestein came out of the hole a thick stubble covered his head. Other bald military operatives who worked in the spider hole reported simular hair growth. Finally the military did tests and found that the spider hole has natural magnetic waves that stimulate hair follicles and even woke up dead follicles in individuals with male pattern baldness.

Col. Rupert Aldofrop, before and after, was a leader of a special forces unit that spent a lot of time in the spider hole.

US army spokesman Colonel George Dashovich said, “This is a great find and just the thing to help develop Iraq's economy. These magnetic waves are unique. This area is bound to become a mecca for people to come and cure themselves of baldness.”

According to army geologist Duke Selwyntom, “Our tests have confirmed that after a male pattern baldness patient spends three days in the magnetic wave rich spider hole the individual obtains a full head of hair.”

However, the spider hole has not escaped controversy. The US has awarded the contract to administer the hole to the Halliburton corporation. Halliburton has been beset with conflict of interest charges and with overcharging the US government on various contracts involving Iraq. Starting next week, if you pay Halliburton $20,000, and provide your own transportation to Bagdad, Halliburton will put you up in Saddam Hussein's spider hole for three days; all meals are included and you will be guaranteed to leave with a full head of hair.

Critics, from Iraq citizens to Democratic congressmen, are calling foul. Bald congressmen Peter Defazio (Democrat, Oregon) said, “This is an outrageous windfall to Halliburton. There is no reason why the spider hole administration cannot be carried out by the Iraqi people. I am hoping to lead a congressional investigation into this and other Halliburton and military misdeeds.”

Berty Vimvold, a Halliburton spokesmen countered, “The logistics of providing a safe badness cure in still dangerous Iraq is no easy mater and cannot be left to inexperienced Iraqi groups yet. And to those yelling, 'Conflict of interest' based on our association with Vice President Cheney can look to the fact that he is still very bald.”