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Breaking News! Thursday, June 10, 2004!
New Talking Toilet Offending Users

The new Standard American Toilet Company's talking toilet.

Toilets Attempt Toilet Humor And Everyone Isn't Laughing
The Standard American Toilet Company has come out with a new hi-tech talking toilet that is causing a waterfall of controversy. Apparently wise guys in the factory programed the toilets to blurt out insults like; “Whew! Was that a big one!” or, “Whoa, that's a stinker! If toilets could kill themselves I'd do it right now!” Other customers have sat down on the toilets and heard, “Wow! What a fat ass you've got! You're going to break me!”

The Standard American Toilet Company marketed their new hi-tech talking toilet to people who wanted to remind their kids to flush, or to spray some deodorant in the room. For example, if you have the new talking toilet you can program it so your young child could hear, “Now, don't forget to flush!” or a wife could program the toilet to say, “Dear, please put down the seat!”

Toilet experts saw this new innovation in the toilet industry and a potential boom to profits. However it is too early to tell if the idea will literally go down the toilet. People are outraged and the Standard American Toilet Company's phone is ringing off the hook.

Other insults the toilets have blurted out:
- ”Hey teenie weenie! You missed!”
- “Take it easy blubber butt! You want to crush a new toilet?”
- “You again? No wonder you got that fat gut with the all beer you drink.”
- “I'm getting sick of your ass! Why don't you go read that magazine somewhere else?”
- “Oh baby! I just love golden showers!”
- “Woah! Look at all that shit coming from you! You eat so much crap you're going to plug up the sewer system!”
- “Oh my God! If I had a nose and had to smell your shit I would surely kill myself!"
- "Get off me you lard ass! I'm suffocating!"
- "By the way, I have been trained to analyze your urine and here are the results: You are sick in the head and you're a dumb shit!"
- "Hey Buddy! Did you ever hear that rumor about alligators in the sewer system? Watch out! One is about to jump out and bite off your dick!"
- "Maybe you think being a toilet is a crappy life. Sure it stinks and I take a lot of shit. I get pissed on, but I get a lot of ass!"
- “Bombs away!”

“These toilets are an outrage,” says the Reverend Chester McBlooper. “I was never so insulted when a toilet at one of my parishioner's house confronted me with such vile, unspeakable trash.”

The Rev. McBlooper filed a complaint against the Standard American Toilet Company with the FCC. The FCC released a statement saying they are investigating the toilets to determine if they are in any violation of indecency laws.

Another customer, Mildred Gretchenzunk, has filed a lawsuit against the Standard American Toilet Company. According to Gretchenzunk, “I believe these vile toilets were foisted upon the decent public as some sort of sick practical joke. I have never been so insulted. Just because my posterior is ample does not mean that a talking toilet has the right to ridicule me for it.”

Some like the obscene toilets. Earl Hunzerk of Eugene, Oregon says, “These johns are friking great—especially when my mother in-law comes over. Hearing the old bag scream is just as funny as the toilet's insults themselves. These are the first toilets ever to give out shit as well as take it.”

Meanwhile the Standard American Toilet Company has issued only a brief statement saying, “Listen fat asses! If you can't take a joke go shit in the woods!”