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Breaking News! Friday, December 3, 2004!
Jehovah Witnesses & Mormons In Major Turf Wars Over Door to Door Trafficking

Missionaries like these are causing havoc across the country.

Both the Mormon and Jehovah Witness religions are growing and it was inevitable that the two groups would clash on the streets. It's getting ugly out there. Turf battles are erupting between Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons. Police in several cities across the nation have had to break up brawls between the two religious sects.

Wilma Butercup, an agnostic from Helena, Montana, thought she had a problem just shooing the proselytizers away. Last Monday right when a group of Jehovah Witnesses approached Butercup's door she saw Mormons coming up her front steps from the other direction. A major brawl erupted with each group yelling at each other and tossing flower pots. Butercup called the cops, but major damage already occurred before police broke up the fight. Garden flowers were uprooted and the place was strewn over with torn Watchtower pages and Mormon pamphlets.

“It's getting bad out here,” says San Diego resident Jimbo Doebert. “The kids can't even go out and play safely anymore.” San Diego is a hotbed of missionary activity. Police are advising residents to be on the look out for well dressed young men in suits and ties carrying brief cases.

Police in Seattle reported a major Jehovah Witness-Mormon brawl Wednesday. Witnesses say a group of well dressed Jehovah Witnesses were walking down the street when a group of well dressed Mormons came up the street from the other direction.

Apparently a Mormon yelled out to the Jehovah Witnesses, “You Jehovah Witnesses stick your feet in people's doors! Enough of your strong arm or strong foot tactics!”

“How dare you accuse us of being impolite!” yelled back a well dressed older Jehovah Witness woman.

The yelling intensified and witnesses say that before you knew it Jehovah Witnesses were clobbering the Mormons on the head with rolled up copies of the Watchtower.

“If you don't stop hitting me with that Watchtower magazine,” yelled a burley young Mormon to an older Jehovah Witness woman, “I might have to force you to stop and it won't be my fault if you get injured.”

“I have no fear. I will sustain any injury in defense of Jehovah!”

“You may get hurt and require a blood transfusion,” yelled back a Mormon.

“No!” Fear came over the face of the Jehovah Witness woman, “Anything but that! How dare you! I have a coffee thermos here. Stand back!”

The group of Mormon young men jumped back as the woman flashed her thermos at them.

The police arrived and when the melee cleared Justin Tinglesub, a Mormon missionary from Provo Utah, lay agonizing on the ground yelling, “Help me! Help me! Some of that coffee got into my nose and mouth! Help! Get an ambulance!” His white shirt was stained brown with coffee.

Elma Fintstoneup, a elderly Jehovah Witness missionary, after tossing her coffee and losing her balance also was on the ground. “I'm sorry I lost my temper, but those young men are cult members!”

“You guys are the cult!” snapped back a Mormon.

“Calm down here!” said a cop. He looked at the elderly lady and said, “You look OK, but you should have a doctor look you over.”

“No! Keep away any doctors. They might give me a blood transfusion!”

“I just hope this problem doesn't get worse,” says New York police Sargent Gilmore McClodsky. “We're already overworked. But like other police departments across the country we're keeping an eye on dangerous religious literature wielding sect members.”