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Shocking News! Sunday, June 27, 2004!
Perverts Molesting Vacuum Cleaners, A Growing Problem For Appliance Stores And Law Enforcement Agencies

Some perverts actualy think this is a sexy picture.

A growing problem is terrorizing appliance stores that sell vacuum cleaners and bogging down law enforcement agencies across the country. Perverts are breaking into appliance stores and molesting vacuum cleaners by the hundreds.

“The problem is on the rise,” according to Chicago police Sargent Victor Nedrosky. “It used to be sexy vacuum cleaners could live in peace without getting harassed and abused. But more and more perverts are molesting innocent vacuum cleaners and it has become a big problem for appliance stores and the police.”

“It used to be in the old days,” says vacuum salesmen Herbert Golvunk, “that just a normal lock on the store door would do. Nowadays you need to barricade a vacuum cleaner store or the perverts will find a way in. We lose thousands of dollars a year due to the molestations. And once the vacuums are molested it's difficult to find a home for them. Even if we clean them up, when people buy a new vacuum they want a fresh virgin vacuum. It is sad, but once a young innocent vacuum is molested it is scarred for life.”

“It's a big problem in New York,” says NYPD detective Bert Berston. “I could shock you with the depravity that I have seen. Innocent young new vacuum cleaners that have been defiled by these depraved vacuum cleaner fetishists. Often their boxes are forced open, their inner motors exposed and the hoses sucked. They break in at night into department stores and have their way with these poor defenseless vacuums and it is disgusting.”

Dr. Wilburd McZarken, a psychologist explained that, “Today weird explicit sex is so commonplace. Deviants are resorting to unusual things to gratify their anti-social sexual appetites. I do not see a fetish for nubile sexy vacuum cleaners as pathological when it is done in the privacy of your own home with the vacuum cleaner's consent. However, some people with deep seated psychological conflicts get a thrill by breaking into appliance stores and forcing these attractive vacuums to engage in sexual acts. If anyone has the urge to molest vacuums in public stores they should seek psychological counseling to develop a healthier relationship with vacuums.”

Appliance stores are responding by hiring armed guards and some new appliance stores are getting built that look more like bank vaults. All of this will be passed on to the consumer as prices on vacuums have already gone up. “It's a shame,” says vacuum salesman Ernie Gergervats, “that because perverts do dirty things with vacuums normal people have to pay more to clean things with vacuums.”