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Breaking Bizarro News! Sunday, November 18, 2007!
Vampire Tree Terrorizing Town

The vast majority of trees are beautiful and law abiding. However, out there somewhere in Oregon there is a vampire tree.

Hoboken, Oregon has had a rough few years. First their whipped cream factory exploded and buried the town under many feet of whipped cream killing hundreds of people. (link) Much of the town is still buried but got little attention due to bigger disasters in New Orleans, and the December 2004 South Asian Tsunami. Then vampire activity was turning their town into a citizenry of Zombies. It got so that hospitals were facing an acute blood shortage due to the poor quality of vampire depleted blood. But the vampires in the spirit of community went on a fast to help the situation. (link.) You think all would have turned out OK. But one hungry vampire got delirious on a popular nature trail just outside of town. The vampire was so hungry and out of it he that he mistook a tree for a neck and bit into it. Now as people venture out on the nature trail they are getting attacked by this now vampire tree.

“It is just terrible,” said Hoboken, Oregon resident Eloaod Mapupinziod, “You can't go anywhere in the state park outside town there because no one is really sure exactly just where that tree is. And no one wants to get a surprise attack when they round the trail bend.”

City and park officials are unable to get loggers to cut the tree down as the foresters fear a tree attack. And even if you think you can avoid the vampire tree people are wondering if the vampire tree attacked squirrels in the area. “We may even have bigger problems ahead,” said park official Wedgut Puporary. “It is possible that vampire squirrels are also roaming around the woods.”

“I used to hike in those woods every day,” said retired Hoboken widget factory worker Alehanbone Cugensour, “Now I just sit at home on my porch with garlic and a 22 with silver bullets just in case any of those vampire squirrels or the tree make their way over here.”

Some Hoboken residents even fear going out of their house and into town, “I know that trees can't walk or move around,” said retired school teacher Lullulath Humdinngerdat, “but I am not taking any chances. No one knows—perhaps a vampire tree can actually walk and attack the whole town. If the vampire tree can manage to walk it could possibly suck the sap or blood of other trees. The trees could turn into vampires and we just may get attacked by a forest of vampire trees. That scares the daylights out of me because it is a possibility.”

Hoboken, Oregon Mayor Jelbert McStunkoil said, “I have been in touch with state officials and the Federal government about this serious situation. This is a tree that even environmentalists do not want to hug.”

Officials are advising Hoboken, Oregon residents to stay their distance from trees with human neck sized girth and to report any suspicious trees to the proper authorities.