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Ground Breaking News! Tuesday, June 13, 2006!
White House To Be Razed For New Super Walmart

Walmart demolition crews will be starting work sometime this summer.

Walmart officials and the General Services Administration, the government branch that deals with federal buildings, have jointly announced that they will raze the White House to make way for a super Walmart store. The White House will be moving to a location in suburban Virgina.

“There were many reasons that just made sense for a White House move,” said General Services Administration spokesman Elbert Hunderdunk. “While the White House does have sentimental and symbolic significance to many Americans it is an old, outdated structure. Instead of constantly upgrading the worn out building it makes sense just to move elsewhere—especially now that real estate prices are very high and the Walmart corporation is willing to pay handsomely for the property. I think most Americans will appreciate this opportunity for the government to cash in and help pay down the giant government budget deficit.”

“I think it is about time that the federal government caught up with the rest of America and moved out to the suburbs,” said Vice President Dick Cheney.

Hunderdunk said, “There are many reasons to move the White House to the suburbs: The White House parking is really a mess, there are security concerns in the middle of a city. In the suburbs there is room for expansion. Many White House staffers are in cramped quarters and will appreciate the enlarged office space and easy parking.”

Vice President Cheney added, “The White House move and land acquisition by Walmart is win-win situation for the federal government and Walmart, and the American people will benefit. People have long criticized Walmart for destroying downtowns. But here is an example of Walmart building right in downtown Washington DC.”

Walmart official Chester Mukokerfield said, “While we will want to build a structure consistent with our corporate store design we hope to pay a tribute to White House history. We plan on putting plaques in various areas of this new Super Walmart that commemorate historical White House events. It will really impress our future customers to read a plaque that says, 'Abraham Lincoln slept here' or, 'You are now standing on the site of the former oval office' as they buy a plastic storage container or hair dryer.”

Some citizen groups will no doubt be outraged with Walmart's plan to pave over the south lawn and historic White House gardens for a parking lot. “However,” according to Walmart spokesman Vinny Dobubba, “American shoppers demand convenient parking and we have to give the public what they want.”

The White House will be moving to a location in suburban Virgina. The tentative plans are modern; a huge sprawling complex that looks like a Safeway supermarket surrounded by a convenient giant asphalt parking lot. Plans are in the works to paint the complex white. “We hope to still keep the 'White House' name even with many other things changing,” added Hunderdunk.

According to White House officials, “The new modern White House will have superior security, ample space and parking, closer proximity to the suburban White House employees, peace and quiet due to the distance from the capital, and easy freeway access.”

President Bush, who owns a ranch in Crawford, Texas has always been uncomfortable in urban settings and pushed for a White House move to more open spaces according to the General Services Administration web site.

“We have been discussing sectioning off a part of the new White House parking lot for a few cows and horses to make Bush feel more at home,” said White House grounds employee Ned Tapibotskum who is involved in the new White House design. “The idea came up to have few cows and horses roam around the White House south lawn before. But the idea was scraped when the Secret Service thought the animals could become terrorist objects. But this won't be a problem at the more spread out new White House.”

“There is an additional reason Bush wants to get away from the Washington D.C. big city hectic pace,” says Washington Post writer Elvor Rutterski. “Bush and his staff fear Republicans are going to get cremated in congressional elections next November. So Bush wants to get as far away as he can from the hostile congress.”