Thought Provoking, Insightful News & Analysis

Back From A Break With Breaking News! Tuesday, Nov. 23, 2004!
Whipped Cream Factory Explodes, Entire Town Buried Under Whipped Cream

A section of a fresco unearthed in Pompeii. Future civilizations will be equally impressed by velvet Elvises they will dig out of the whipped cream in Hoboken, Oregon.

Hundreds feared dead

It was a typical American town, with tract homes, a shopping mall, fast food chains, a Walmart surrounded by a huge parking lot and a dead down town. One thing that was unique in Hoboken, Oregon was the Acme whipped cream factory. Yesterday, a terrible explosion rocked the Acme whipped cream factory and buried the entire town seven to ten feet deep in whipped cream. Perhaps hundreds of people have died in this terrible tragedy. Emergency crews are still digging through thick whipped cream trying to find survivors. The whipped cream is getting stiff and rescue workers are giving up hope that the many people still buried under the thick mass of whipped cream will survive.

Already, a day after this terrible event, as the whipped cream hardens survivors and others are saying, “Leave the whipped creamed buried town to be as a monument to the future!” So exclaimed Mayor Jelbert McStunkoil. Yesterday he climbed out of the cream and went to work leading the rescue effort. But a day later McStunkoil said, “There is little hope of finding more people in the giant mass of whipped cream. Let us leave the whipped cream like it is as a tribute to victims of this terrible tragedy. One day Hoboken, Oregon, perhaps a thousand years hence will be what Pompeii is now. The citizens of Hoboken will not have died in vain.” A crowd of people, many with whipped creamed smeared clothes, cheered the mayor.

“Citizens!” proclaimed another person in the crowd at the center of rescue worker who gathered around the mayor. “There is nothing like what happened here since Mount Vesuvius buried Pompeii in the days of ancient Rome. Future archaeologists will marvel at the ruins they dig up here.”

A cafe in Pompeii. Future tourists will also visit Burger King & McDonald's grills now buried in Hoboken, OR.

Another rescue worker spoke up, “Have you people ever been to Pompeii? This town is a shit hole! Future archaeologists are sure to be disappointed and there ain't going to be hardly any tourists coming here in a thousand years. They'll still go to Pompeii—it has much better art and architecture. There ain't nothing but cars and parking lots here with ugly box buildings.”

“Nonsense! What about the wide assortment of consumer items that are value priced at Walmart? Future generations will really be impressed after they dig that stuff up. Maybe the whipped cream preserved cars will also interest people a thousand years from now. ”

“I doubt it. Just think of cars they'll have. They'll probably fly, they'll be pollution free and get 1000 mpg! They'll think our cars were crap.”

“I predict Hoboken will be a car museum of the future. Future car buffs will come here from the world over to see primitive cars. They will most likely be amazed by our ancient cars as we would be amazed by their future cars.”

People in the future will be impressed with polyester carpets and plastic floors in Hoboken, OR just as we are now impressed with this Pompeii mosaic floor.

“You think their cars will be so great? Maybe they'll finally get smart in the future and live where they can walk everywhere and not have to bother with the fucking contraptions. Do you know how much I have to pay just for insurance? I hope the section of town where my insurance agent is got drowned in whipped cream.”

Another citizen spoke up, “In Pompeii they unearthed tile mosaics—great works of art. What are they going to find here? Plastic floors and Naugahyde furniture? Who will want to come here to see this crap?”

Another man said, “In Pompeii they unearthed market places and people frozen in life. Here they are going to find zombies frozen in front of televisions. What will people say about them in the future?”

Others, such as anthropologist Rudolf Gererrad, think the ruins of the town will be of great interest to future anthropologists after they exhume the wreckage from the whipped cream. “In the ruins they will see evidence of a very primitive and backwards society. Future cultures will get a perspective on how lucky they are that they didn't have to live in our time.”